"Raccoon Eulogy"

What follows is the eulogy I would have given the raccoon had his family had a funeral for him...

Although I never met or had a conversation with the raccoon that lays dead on the road behind me, I did respect him.
Actually, I'm not even sure if it's a him or a her, and I don't really want to go "investigate" if you know what I mean. Let's just assume that the raccoon was, and I guess still is, a him. He did, after all, rule the neighborhood, and I find it hard to believe a chick raccoon could pull that off. Gender speculation aside, I feel like I owe a great deal to the dead animal behind me. For months my brother Tim and I chronicled our tet-a-tet with the raccoon on Raccoon Blog. I dare say it was a competition for the ages....Magic vs. Bird, Ali / Frazier, Ohio State / Michigan...Mike and Tim versus the raccoon. And like any of those rivalries, the two competitors came out on the other side, not enemies, but colleagues in the sport of competition - except in this case one of the competitors is dead, but that's neither here nor there. I'd like to feel that together, us and the raccoon brought a rare spirit of excitement to the community of Westwood - in a time (the summer and early fall) when the college students were away, and the binge drinking was down and we all needed a reason to wake up in the morning. Of course the times were also dangerous in spots, like when a police helicopter was summoned on that one occasion the racoon slaughtered a cat...but I think even God would agree that the life of a cat is worth less than a new post on a weblog that will be ready by upward of 10 people.

At times, Raccoon, you were a mystery. We heard your name was "Snowman" and you had escaped from your family. We heard you kill a cat. We watched you escape, somehow, from a full on aerial pursuit. We tried to set a garbage trap for you, but that didn't work. Loren didn't give a shit about you, which put a tumultuous strain on our relationship, but I understood - you were a worthy opponent, and I was neglecting my relationship with her in order to try and stop you. Your death has brought peace to our union...but at night I toss and turn, wondering when or where I'll be able to find another worthy competitor. Until then and beyond, Tim and I remain honored to have stepped into the ring with you. May one day your children, if you have any, follow in your claw prints. We will welcome their challenge.

The king is dead. Long live the king.